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Gratuitous Morat Jokes

Discussion in 'Combined Army' started by Wolf, Feb 18, 2018.

  1. cazboab

    cazboab Member (phrasing)

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    A krakot walked into a bar. At least that's what the dog warrior said happened, 28 times, since abusing prisoners is "morally objectionable"...
     
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  2. DaRedOne

    DaRedOne Morat Warrior Philosopher
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    Okay, I decided to do a silly one and borrow from Skippy for my "Things Oyat is no longer allowed to do" list. I'll update it as new ideas come up.

    "Things Oyat Karakot is no longer allowed to do" list

    1 - "I was bored" is not a valid excuse to pick fights.
    2 - Neither is "They asked for it".
    3 - Don't pick fights.
    4 - No rewiring Unidrons to do latrine duty for you when you get punished for picking fights.
    5 - Your TAG is a 6 ton machine that carries 3 tons of ammo. Shoot, don't charge the enemy.
    6 - 'Supressive fire' means you stay in one area and spray everything that shows up with shots, not 'I'll supress them by killing them!'
    7 - No swapping the food in the mess hall for Hungry food (Even if it did taste better than the usual gruel)
    8 - Releasing the Hungries from their pens because they looked like they needed a walk was a horrible idea.
    9 - 'It followed me home, can I keep it?' is not a valid excuse to keep Mutan symbiobeasts after you killed their Kerail.
    10 - There is a marvelous invention called a 'door' that we use to enter rooms. Stop jumping through windows.
    11 - If your machine is incapacitated during a fight, you are to remain calm and call for backup. Jumping out of the TAG and biting the trachea off that Ninja was very amusing the first time, but it attracts more enemy fire.
    12 - I don't care if you can fit it and it's better than your pistols, no carrying HMGs inside the cockpit just because you saw a human pilot do it.
    13 - In fact, where did you get that gun and where did you put it? I've seen the inside of a Raizot and it doesn't fit a full grown Morat AND a Hemat HMG.
    14 - The following objects are no longer acceptable war trophies: human dolls, human stuffed toys, human music records, human media in general, taxidermized animals and especially human porn.
    15 - Michael Bay is not a Morat infiltrator.
    16 - No convincing or daring other members of the Karanatat to breach this list so it's not just you.
    17 - Krakots are degenerate scum worth only of a painful death in the battlefield. No, you can't redeem the cute one with the big chest scar with love and a lesson about his dishonorable ways
    18 - Most human TAGs are remote piloted. Stop trying to punch the pilot out of the machine, it won't work 50% of the time and the other 50% it will expose you to return fire.
    19 - Who the hell invented the Raizot Rodeo and more importantly, why?
    20 - Hungry Rodeo is also unnaceptable. These are tools of war, you dimwit.
    21 - Demarok Rodeo will be its own punishment.
    22 - 'Ape shall never kill ape' is not a teaching of Eugarat. And we're not apes, dammit.
    23 - You can't go into 'primal rage'. No Morat can. Kornak and the Daturazi just have a deathwish.
    24 - No strapping Med-tech Obsidion Mechanoids to your TAG for 'mid battle repairs'
    25 - We will consider strapping a Slave drone once you consider using cover.
    26 - 'The big one is mine!' is not a valid strategy
    27 - There's no such thing as 'calling dibs' on enemy kills. If you couldn't shoot that Guija dead when you had it in your sights don't complain to our Rodok Missile Launcher who did.
    28 - No, you can't have a second machinegun.
    29 - 'Spray and pray' is not a valid tactic, neither is 'run and gun'
    30 - This list is not a checklist.

    I'll update as more ideas come to mind.
     
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  3. gamma ray

    gamma ray Well-Known Member
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    Sounds like he belongs in the Daturazi...!
     
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  4. leigen_zero

    leigen_zero Morat Pacifist

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    Given what I know about morat fluff these 3 are perfectly acceptable things for Oyat Karakot to do

    14a - addendum, taxidermied humans are also unacceptable war trophies
    31 - It is not acceptable to tie 2 zerat's ponytails together then set off a stun grenade
    32 - Yes we have read the historic accounts of the Exrah Caskuda in the military archive, no we are not planning on adopting similar tactics.
     
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  5. Wolf

    Wolf https://watchwolf.net

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    1st Morat: <walks into bar> Sumi Na Rat!
    All Morats: <together> Sumi Na Rat!
    1st Morat: <in loud voice> Say warriors, why should not even brave Morat go greengrocer without regiment?
    All Morats: <confusion; puzzled frowns; mild anger for suggestion they maybe thy can't fight alone>
    1st Morat: Too easy get outnumbered by aliens in greengrocer. Hah! <produces picture>
    artichoke-health-benefits.jpg

    All morats: Hah! <more gales of xenophobic laughter><more admiration for cleverly insulting aliens>
     
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  6. Golem2God

    Golem2God Just a humble Raktorak serving others.

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    "Sounds like he belongs in the Daturazi...!"
    Uja'rak Se'ok: "I take great offense to that statement. Come, let me show you just what a Daturazi is "really" like."
    @DaRedOne "23 - You can't go into 'primal rage'. No Morat can. Kornak and the Daturazi just have a deathwish."
    Uja'rak: "Just watch me Tinman."
    @DaRedOne "17 - Krakots are degenerate scum worth only of a painful death in the battlefield. No, you can't redeem the cute one with the big chest scar with love and a lesson about his dishonorable ways."
    Uja'rak: "Obviously you don't understand how a Kratot's heart...You're the one who prevented me from enjoying her company?!"
    @DaRedOne "14 - The following objects are no longer acceptable war trophies: human dolls, human stuffed toys, human music records, human media in general, taxidermized animals and especially human porn."
    Uja'rak: "Those are the best kind of trophies one can obtain from humanity. Except for the porn. I thought it was weird that Humans enjoyed the filming & viewing of sexual acts."
     
    #26 Golem2God, Jun 19, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2018
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  7. Flipswitch

    Flipswitch Sepsitorised by Intent
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    Winning ITS.
     
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  8. leigen_zero

    leigen_zero Morat Pacifist

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    Harsh
     
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  9. Flipswitch

    Flipswitch Sepsitorised by Intent
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    but fair
     
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  10. leigen_zero

    leigen_zero Morat Pacifist

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    You know it's just because my monkeys have turned to a life of pacifism :-p
     
  11. Sabin76

    Sabin76 Well-Known Member

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    Pacifism for Morats just means using half the clip...
     
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  12. Wolf

    Wolf https://watchwolf.net

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    Q. What do you call a pacifist Morat?
    A. Asleep
    :grin:
     
  13. Pierzasty

    Pierzasty Null-Space Entity

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    32a - Yes, we are aware that it was a Raizot painted in Exrah pattern, not an actual Caskuda.
     
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  14. DaRedOne

    DaRedOne Morat Warrior Philosopher
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    *Cracks knuckles* Okay, I think I have ideas for a few more additions to the list now:

    "Things Oyat Karakot is no longer allowed to do" list, part 2:

    33 - Dr Zaius is not an important figure in Morat history;
    34 - None of the following are Morat Historical Heroes: King Kong, Caesar, Rafiki, Winston, Maguilla, Titano or any other Human Pop Culture icon;
    34a - Apparently, we do have a Ra'fiki as an important figure during the Claw Renaissance, but that does not invalidade the above point!
    35 - I do not want to see Virgin Raizot vs Chad Raizot comparisons ever again;
    36 - Yes, the Morat Supremacy has always harbored separatistic views of the Combined Army, and yes, we have a lot of resentment from the Wotan Fiasco. However, suggesting we 'Pull a JSA' is still treason;
    37 - Our civilization was not uplifted when a Monolith landed amidst the jungles of Ugarat;
    38 - Okay, enough with the monkey jokes. Our species is much closely associated with earthling Boars, as we have dewclaws, horns and tusks and are an extremely agressive, belicose and mostly carnivorous species;
    39 - No, that's not an excuse to start making pig jokes instead;
    40 - Apparently, we also resemble some kind of folkloric demon called an 'Oni'. That is not an excuse to swap your weaponry for a giant club and a huge drinking flask;
    41 - If you're not going to share, don't bring a huge drinking flask to the assembly area;
    41a - If you are going to share, make sure you bring enough for everyone. As funny as watching those two Vanguards fight for the last drink was, we need all our soldiers able and ready to fight;
    42 - The Sogarat Regiment is the most honored and traditional of all regiments, and their fighting brings us great glory. They lead assaults because they have earned the right to do so, not because 'Getting shot at is a Sogarat's job';
    43 - 'Throw more Vanguards at it' is not on the 'Great Book of Monkey Fighting Strategies';
    44 - There is no such thing as a 'Great Book of Monkey Fighting Strategies';
    45 - Referring to the common tactic of using triangulated sensor pings to fling accurate grenades at unseen or camouflaged enemies as 'That poo throwing thing' is highly offensive to our grenadiers;
    46 - Yes, every regiment has a specific function within our society, from the shock forces of the Sogarat to the Urban Combat specialists of the Yaogat. That doesn't mean the Vanguard's speciality is 'dying';
    47 - Even though they are called 'Witches', do not ask the Daturazi if they want to see or do a magic trick, they are notoriously humorless about it;
    48 - Suryats are indeed some of our oldest veterans and some of them do have a passion for beer and grilled meat. That doesn't mean they are the 'Regiment dads';
    49 - 'The humans do it' will never be a valid argument;
    49a - Humans don't 'do it' better;
    49b - Shasvastii don't 'do it in TO camo';
    49c - Umbra don't 'do it painted black';
    49d - EI aspects don't 'do it with Remote Presence';
    49e - Morats, in fact, 'do it rough and violent';
    50 - While the Rodok Regiment is fresh and still needs to prove their value, they are not 'noobs' and do not need to 'git gud';
     
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  15. Golem2God

    Golem2God Just a humble Raktorak serving others.

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    Uja'rak: "Undoubtedly so. You'd be lucky to walk away intacked if the remark is done in a joking manner."
     
  16. leigen_zero

    leigen_zero Morat Pacifist

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    upload_2018-6-22_10-2-7.png
     
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  17. Sabin76

    Sabin76 Well-Known Member

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    No comment on the right-hand/left-hand... #Chadmemefail. :P
     
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  18. leigen_zero

    leigen_zero Morat Pacifist

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    *virgin slouch away in shame*
     
  19. DaRedOne

    DaRedOne Morat Warrior Philosopher
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    THREAD NECROMANCY! POWEEERRRRRRR!!!!

    I just wanted to add in to my list of "Things Oyat Karakot Is no longer allowed to do" list now that ITS X has brought us the glorious Concilium Watch and O-12 Liaison Rules:

    "Things Oyat Karakot is no longer allowed to do" list, part 3:

    51 - Yes, the O-12 Liaison is an infiltrated spy. They are spying on the humans for us, not the other way around;
    52 - We are aware of the irony our Diplomatic Corps can't be O-12 Liaisons, that is because the humans think Morat manners are rather violent. And they are right.
    53 - Killing enemy O-12 Liaisons is recommended. Bragging about it in the communications is not. Specially not in light of the new inforwar practices.
    54 - Regarding the new infowar practices, referring to Med-Tech Obsidion Medchanoids as "Doctor Boobworm, MD, insider scoop journalist"is, while correct, very unadvised.
    55 - We are aware the humans have an extensive convention on what is considered bad practice in war. We are also aware our forces violate most of it as often as we can.
    56 - We are also aware the humans violate their own conventions just as often. Yes, we intend to use this against them.
    57 - The Raizot TAG carries a total of three illegal weapons. Bragging about your machine being "The most forbidden one" is unsportsmanlike.
    58 - The Raizot is also not a "dangerous forbidden technique"
    58a - Neither are chain rifles
    58b - Nor mines.
    59 - There is no such thing as a "Dangerous Forbidden Technique".
    60 - The presence of our journalist drones in the battlefield is to help spread chaos and disinformation into the human sphere, not to moon the humans.
    61 - Capturing footage of the humans fumbling with their weapons seems to have been a good idea. That does not give you the right to go out of the way to find such footage.
    62 - The presence of journalists on the battlefield is not an excuse to arrange any of the following with the enemy soldiers:
    - TAG arm wrestling;
    - TAG holdout contests;
    - TAG Dueling;
    - Grenade hot potato;
    - Landmine hot potato;
    No matter how much the ratings increased when you did any of that.
    63 - In fact, anything on the list above will now be considered fraternising with the Enemy and punished accordingly.
    64 - Yes, the Avatar is one of the few warmachines on the Combined Army that carries no human-prohibited weaponry. It is not "too much of a pussy to carry real guns", it just has unusual weaponry that the humans don't understand enough.
    65 - Performing extremely violent displays in front of the human journalists to scare the viewers is, while cathartic, a waste of time. They will censor most of the gore anyways.
    66 - Yes, your TAG has been granted further autonomy in the battlefield thanks to the Reinforced Tactical Link. That is still not an excuse to run off on your own;
    67 - We are aware the humans have gene-boosted troops on the field now. No, we won't give you gene mods. You have a three ton warmachine, use it.
    68 - "The Umbra get it" will never be an excuse for anything. The Umbra are the most loyal species to the EI, and they are rewarded accordingly. I don't like it either.
    69 - The EI has infiltrated agents trying to bring in some of the so called 'Libertos' species to our ranks. They are doing so with promises of freedom from their human oppressors and organisational autonomy. You offering them fish food won't help, but the feeling is appreciated.
    70 - We are aware the shasvastii allies drink blood and have some unusual facial features that make them resemble a certain earthling amphibian. Calling them "Vampire Frogs" is still not permitted, though.
     
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  20. Sabin76

    Sabin76 Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]

    I can't even remember how many times I rented this VHS from our local Blockbuster as a kid...

    Edit: and now I'm wondering how many forumites even understand what I just typed :P