There is a thread for Weapons You Want In Game and there are frequent threads about weapons that do exist but people wish didn't exist in game, so... what about weapons that meet both criteria? Don't exist and we really hope they never do. I give these humble offerings, to haunt your nightmares. Supermachine Gun - A DAM20 AP/Shock HMG. Light Spudgun, Heavy Spudgun, Boarding Spudgun, Vulkan Spudgun, T2 Spudgun - Variants of shotgun firing potatoes. Vulkan Spudguns fire a baked potato that is too warm. Stepsistor - Weapon that causes a female user or target's mother or father to marry the target or users father or mother. Riotcauser - Causes Frenzy and Berserk. A Salt Pistol - B4 DAM0, but is DAM15 Shock against any slugs or snails. D.E.R.P - Direct Emergency Rocket Potato. Fires a potato with a rocket in it. Bear Handed - The user has bear hands, counting as Shock CCWs, but lacking thumbs cannot fire a gun any more. Spammenfleer - Flammenspeer but backwards, IE sets user on fire. Marks Man Rifle - Rifle belonging to Mark that shoots out tiny men. Not to be confused with a Marksman Rifle Panopulser - Nanopulser that makes NA2 units defect to PanO. Chain-Filly - Chain-Colt but a girl horse under four years old instead Nonportable Autocannon - Still in the factory because it can't be moved at all Mark 12 - Not to be confused with Mk12. This is a gun that belongs to Mark that has a big red 12 on the side. Gun That Shoots Swords - Can only be fired at anyone carrying a CCW. Gun That Fires Swords - Fires a CCW. Gun That Never Ends - Is burst infinite and must therefore be rolled to fire forever as you must keep rerolling the dice to meet the burst requirements, meaning the only thing it actually kills is the players of dehydration and/or starvation. Gun That Never Starts - Is Burst 0 and no one who carries it can join a fireteam or pick another one up. Boredom Shotgun - A rather tedious weapon. Far Too Heavy Pistol - Reduces MOV to 1-1. Monosyllabic Mine - Speaks all short words. MULTI Pass - Leeloo Dallas. Sexybach - Like a Feuerbach but kinky. Float Bears - Drop Bears that just defy gravity and head into space. Feuerwagner - Like a Feuerbach but a different composer and with obligatory soundtrack. Fired Bach - A recreation of Johann Sebastian Bach that has been dismissed from a local opera house. I'll Be Bach - Gun that quotes Arnold Schwarzenegger. Any ideas?
This is getting to be like MiW... Next will be Weapons you think are strange (because they're odd) I definitely lol'd reading that!
Shoutguns - an entire category of dragon-enthusiast guns Shortgun - barely large enough to qualify as a pistol! Mk11 - Now you, too, can find out why this gun type has reached its 12th iteration. Paramachine Gun - Looks like a Submachine Gun, but is actually just a really complicated revolver Heavy Marine Gun - Everything hit enters the Blue state Submarine Gun - Shoots tiny under-water boats. Only works against targets in aquatic terrain. Piss Stool - "Believe me and relieve you, without a worry or care, the intergalactic laxative will get you from here to there" Pretender - Looks like a Contender, but is a sham. E/Morat - Eau d’envahir, "invasive fragrances by EI laboratories" Cannonable Autoportal - Shoots doors. Wild Parrot - Technically an invasive species Swedish localisation - No one asked for this, particularly not Swedes Spoiler: You didn't ask for this Limkanon Akrylkanon Tomhänt Blixten Närstridsvapen (Nsv) Kedjepistol Kedjegevär Babybjörnmina Gevär GalenKo Cybermina Förvirrare D.E.P. Buntladdning Fallbjörn Elstötpuls E/Marat E/Mörbultare E/Mitterare Feuerbach Blixtpuls Eldkastare Flammenspeer Granatkastare Spränghandgranat ("Spräng" is the type, so a Stun Grenade is "Chockhandgranat") Kulspruta (Ksp) Hyperrapid Magnetkanon (Hrmk) Syltare Katyusha MRL Kniv Tokfälla Automatkarbin 4 (Ak4) Minspridare Mina Granatgevär (Grg-) Tung Automatkarbin m/12 (Tak12) Molotok Nanosprej Ojotnik Panzerfaust Ferobooster Pistol Kastare Automatplasmakarbin 5 (Ak5) Automatkanon Pulzar Röd Ilska Automatkarbin Upploppstopp Raketkastare Sepsitor Hagelgevär Prickskyttegevär (Psg) Gruppautomatgevär Kulsprutepistol (Kpist) Symbiosekt Taktisk pilbåge Dikeshammare Urugan MRL Vildgojja Zappare The way Swedish defense likes to name their stuff, a Multi Combi Rifle would be Ak5M and a Shock Marksman Rifle would be Ak4C (c for chock, not to be confused with the C version, but we're ignoring internal version numbers). Why is Ak4 the long range version? This older rifle has been found to be a better conversion to a designated marksman rifle, and since designated marksman rifle doesn't really exist as a concept in Sweden, this'll do. Didn't translate the Ruskie weapons, partly because they are already localised and partly because they are the guns of the Enemy.
Sad Trap : ADH Perimeter Weapon that has become aware of its Disposable trait and is too depressed to move. Bad Trap : ADH Perimeter Weapon with no concept of "friendly fire" or "toilet training". Fad Trap : ADH Perimeter Weapon with a weird gimmick, available at a steep discount as it went out of fashion last edition. Nad Trap : ADH Perimeter Weapon that only works against fertile men, and is immensely painful. Dad Trap : ADH Perimeter Weapon that spouts endless puns and unfunny wordplay.
What about Pad Trap then: ADH Perimeter Weapon that explodes in a noodle festival, sticking victims in succulent juice. Obviously a Yu Jing designed weapon.
Personnel Mines: Deployable, Concealed weapon that pops a couple of very annoying salespersons when you get too close.
Antipersonnel Mimes: People who do not speak and have no equipment, but pretend to be explosions and kill primarily by being annoying.
Topmachine Gun: Short range weapon given to impetuous guys that can't follow regular orders and will only care about winning the piloting skill trophy.
Auntiepersonnel Mines: Gives you a birthday card with £10 in it every birthday until you're 18 Unclepersonnel Mines: Signs the birthday cards chosen, bought, and written by the above.
Antisocial Mines : Refuses to fuse upon strangers, including enemies. Does fuse with friendlies with a blast. Propersonnel Mines : Really, REALLY likes people to hang around. Often found on doghouse with name 'Rex'. Sniffets : Distracts nearby - Oh, wait! Gata dating EightBall? Drop Pears : Ripe enough to burst open. Drop Boars : Highly aggressive, territorial deployable weapon. Rejected on Concillium. Hyper-Rabid Magnetic Cannon : Gun keeps snarling and swearing upon every visuals in sight. Often tries to bite off enemies' finger, including shooter's.
