In celebration of the amazing update to the MAF, I decided to recompile and re-edit this old joke from about a year or so ago. Oyat Karakot is a Morat Raizot pilot, a bit of hellion, she pilots the Storm Dancer and is well known for her penchant for chaos when out of the battlefield. This is a list of all the things High Command no longer allows her to do. The List of Things Oyat Karakot is no longer allowed to do: 1 - "I was bored" is not a valid excuse to pick fights. 2 - Neither is "They asked for it". 3 - Don't pick fights. 4 - No rewiring Unidrons to do latrine duty for you when you get punished for picking fights. 5 - Your TAG is a 6 ton machine that carries 3 tons of ammo. Shoot, don't charge the enemy. 6 - 'Suppressive fire' means you stay in one area and spray everything that shows up with shots, not 'I'll suppress them by killing them!' 7 - No swapping the food in the mess hall for Hungry food (Even if it did taste better than the usual gruel) 8 - Releasing the Hungries from their pens because they looked like they needed a walk was a horrible idea. 9 - 'It followed me home, can I keep it?' is not a valid excuse to keep Mutan symbiobeasts after you killed their Kerail. 10 - There is a marvelous invention called a 'door' that we use to enter rooms. Stop jumping through windows. 11 - If your machine is incapacitated during a fight, you are to remain calm and call for backup. Jumping out of the TAG and biting the trachea off that Ninja was very amusing the first time, but it attracts more enemy fire. 12 - I don't care if you can fit it and it's better than your pistols, no carrying HMGs inside the cockpit just because you saw a human pilot do it. 13 - In fact, where did you get that gun and where did you put it? I've seen the inside of a Raizot and it doesn't fit a full grown Morat AND a Hemat HMG. 14 - The following objects are no longer acceptable war trophies: human dolls, human stuffed toys, human music records, human media in general, taxidermized animals and especially human porn. 14a - additionally, taxidermied humans are also unacceptable war trophies 15 - Michael Bay is not a Morat infiltrator. 16 - No convincing or daring other members of the Karanatat to breach this list so it's not just you. 17 - Krakots are degenerate scum worth only of a painful death in the battlefield. No, you can't redeem the cute one with the big chest scar with love and a lesson about his dishonorable ways 18 - Most human TAGs are remote piloted. Stop trying to punch the pilot out of the machine, it won't work 50% of the time and the other 50% it will expose you to return fire. 19 - Who the hell invented the Raizot Rodeo and more importantly, why? 20 - Hungry Rodeo is also unacceptable. These are tools of war, you dimwit. 21 - Demarok Rodeo will be its own punishment. 22 - 'Ape shall never kill ape' is not a teaching of Eugarat. And we're not apes, dammit. 23 - You can't go into 'primal rage'. No Morat can. Kornak and the Daturazi just have a deathwish. 23a - The Kaitok also have a deathwish. 23b - As do the Tyroks. 23c - And the Taryot… 23d - Ok, maybe there is such a thing as a ‘Primal Rage’, but YOU definitely can’t tap into it. 24 - No strapping Med-tech Obsidion Mechanoids to your TAG for 'mid battle repairs' 25 - We will consider strapping a Slave drone once you consider using cover. 26 - 'The big one is mine!' is not a valid strategy 27 - There's no such thing as 'calling dibs' on enemy kills. If you couldn't shoot that Guija dead when you had it in your sights don't complain to our Rodok Missile Launcher who did. 28 - No, you can't have a second machinegun. 29 - 'Spray and pray' is not a valid tactic, neither is 'run and gun' 30 - This list is not a checklist. 31 - Dr Zaius is not an important figure in Morat history; 32 - None of the following are Morat Historical Heroes: King Kong, Caesar, Rafiki, Winston, Maguilla, Titano or any other Human Pop Culture icon; 32a - Apparently, we do have a Ra'fiki as an important figure during the Claw Renaissance, but that does not invalidate the above point! 33 - Yes, the Morat Supremacy has always harbored separatistic views of the Combined Army, and yes, we have a lot of resentment from the Wotan Fiasco. However, suggesting we 'Pull a JSA' is still treason; 34 - Our civilization was not uplifted when a Monolith landed amidst the jungles of Ugarat; 35 - Okay, enough with the monkey jokes. Our species is much closely associated with earthling Boars, as we have dewclaws, horns and tusks and are an extremely aggressive, bellicose and mostly carnivorous species; 36 - No, that's not an excuse to start making pig jokes instead; 37 - Apparently, we also resemble some kind of folkloric demon called an 'Oni'. That is not an excuse to swap your weaponry for a giant club and a huge drinking flask; 38 - If you're not going to share, don't bring a huge drinking flask to the assembly area; 38a - If you are going to share, make sure you bring enough for everyone. As funny as watching those two Vanguards fight for the last drink was, we need all our soldiers able and ready to fight; 39 - The Sogarat Regiment is the most honored and traditional of all regiments, and their fighting brings us great glory. They lead assaults because they have earned the right to do so, not because 'Getting shot at is a Sogarat's job'; 40 - 'Throw more Vanguards at it' is not on the 'Great Book of Monkey Fighting Strategies'; 41 - There is no such thing as a 'Great Book of Monkey Fighting Strategies'; 42 - Referring to the common tactic of using triangulated sensor pings to fling accurate grenades at unseen or camouflaged enemies as 'That poo throwing thing' is highly offensive to our grenadiers; 43 - Yes, every regiment has a specific function within our society, from the shock forces of the Sogarat to the Urban Combat specialists of the Yaogat. That doesn't mean the Vanguard's speciality is 'dying'; 44 - Even though they are called 'Witches', do not ask the Daturazi if they want to see or do a magic trick, they are notoriously humorless about it; 45 - Suryats are indeed some of our oldest veterans and some of them do have a passion for beer and grilled meat. That doesn't mean they are the 'Regiment dads'; 46 - Despite being larger than average, red skinned, and having a penchant for dynamic entrances through debris and even through walls, Kaitoks are not ‘The Kool-aid monkes’; 47 - Kyosots may in fact be complete psychopaths. That is a good thing, we like them that way, just make sure to stay behind their guns and not in front of them. Ever. 48 - No, the Rindak is not going to kiss your ‘boo boo’. You’re going to take that cocktail of combat drugs and you’re going to suck up the pain like a soldier. 49 - 'The humans do it' will never be a valid argument; 49a - Humans don't 'do it' better; 49b - Shasvastii don't 'do it in TO camo'; 49c - Umbra don't 'do it painted black'; 49d - EI aspects don't 'do it with Mnemonica'; 49e - Morats, in fact, 'do it rough and violent'; 50 - While the Rodok Regiment is fresh and still needs to prove their value, they are not 'noobs' and do not need to 'git gud'; 51 - We are aware the humans have an extensive convention on what is considered bad practice in war. We are also aware our forces violate most of it as often as we can. 52 - We are also aware the humans violate their own conventions just as often. Yes, we intend to use this against them. 53 - The Raizot TAG carries a total of three illegal weapons. Bragging about your machine being "The most forbidden one" is unsportsmanlike. 58 - The Raizot is also not a "dangerous forbidden technique" from the "Great book of Monkey Fighting Strategies" 58a - Neither are chain rifles 58b - Nor mines. 59 - There is no such thing as a "Dangerous Forbidden Technique" from “The Great Book of Monkey Fighting Strategies”. 60 - The presence of our journalist drones in the battlefield is to help spread chaos and disinformation into the human sphere, not to moon the humans. 61 - Capturing footage of the humans fumbling with their weapons seems to have been a good idea. That does not give you the right to go out of the way to find such footage. 62 - The presence of journalists on the battlefield is not an excuse to arrange any of the following with the enemy soldiers: - TAG arm wrestling; - TAG holdout contests; - TAG Dueling; - Grenade hot potato; - Landmine hot potato; No matter how much the ratings increased when you did any of that. 63 - In fact, anything on the list above will now be considered fraternizing with the Enemy and punished accordingly. 64 - Yes, the Avatar is one of the few warmachines on the Combined Army that carries no human-prohibited weaponry. It is not "too much of a pussy to carry real guns", it just has unusual weaponry that the humans don't understand enough. 65 - Performing extremely violent displays in front of the human journalists to scare the viewers is, while cathartic, a waste of time. They will censor most of the gore anyways. 66 - Yes, your TAG has been granted further autonomy in the battlefield thanks to the Reinforced Tactical Link. That is still not an excuse to run off on your own; 67 - We are aware that the humans have gene-boosted troops on the field now. No, we won't give you gene mods. You have a six ton warmachine, use it. 68 - "The Umbra get it" will never be an excuse for anything. The Umbra are the most loyal species to the EI, and they are rewarded accordingly. I don't like it either. 69 - The EI has infiltrated agents trying to bring in some of the so called 'Libertos' species to our ranks. They are doing so with promises of freedom from their human oppressors and organizational autonomy. You offering them fish food won't help, but the feeling is appreciated. 70 - We are aware the shasvastii allies drink blood and have some unusual facial features that make them resemble a certain earthling amphibian. Calling them "Vampire Frogs" is still not permitted, though. 71 - No, you can't have 'whatever the Daturazi are taking', they're don’t use drugs, they're just train really hard and diet properly. 72 - That doesn’t mean the Daturazi are conservative squares. They partake in heavy drinking like anyone else. 73 - Daturazi are also not celibate. They are not human monks! 74 - The enhanced Sniper Rifles are an exclusivity of the Yaogat Regiment for urban combat. We're not giving them to anyone else. 75 - Zerats have the best mimetic devices in the army to aid them in their infiltration duties. This is not because they are 'uglier than a Shasvastii' 76 - Taryots are not 'Dreadnought-lites'. We have no idea what a Dreadnought is other than a large Spacefaring warship. 77 - Yelling 'Here comes the boom!' or any other variant when Taryots drop is, while fun, a bad idea. We don't want the humans to know they're coming until it's too late. 78 - The tactical links were further reinforced to allow the TAG pilots to use the lieutenant-only net. This does not allow you to slap your commanding officer and say "Look at me. I'm the lieutenant now." 79 - The Sogarats carry larger weapons because their armor is heavy enough to support it. They don't have TAG-Envy. 80 - Making 'compensating for something' jokes around the Sogarats is frowned upon. 80a - This doesn't mean you can make said jokes if you are frowning. 81 - Rasyats are our specialist diplomatic forces and excellent assassins. They're not 'Monkey Van Zant' 81a - Even if the human known as Van Zant does behave a lot like one of them. 82 - Suryats have Multispectral Visors on their suits to improve combat effectiveness. They don't need glasses. 83 - Daring Taryots to commit reckless acts because 'They want to die anyways' is not allowed. We don't want to waste resources. 84 - Yes, we gave you two assault pistols. Yes, they fire faster than the TAG machinegun. That doesn't mean you should jump out of the TAG to get 'more dakka' 85 - You already have enough 'dakka' 85a - Apparently, I was wrong. You cannot have enough 'dakka'. Still, no jumping out of the TAG, damnit! 86 - Our Oznat huntresses do have an improved sense of smell. They won't ever smell your finger. 86a - They will also not smell "what The Rock is cooking" 86b - Nor will they use their enhanced smell sense to find your lost socks 86c - Okay, no asking the Oznats to smell anything. 87 - Sigh. No, you can’t ask the Rindaks to smell stuff for you either. 88 - Sometimes your TAG will be followed by an officer or Treitak operative. They're there to help accomplish objectives, they're not your chaperone. 89 - Inviting your attached officer for a drink after battle is a good idea. Offering them a beer during a shootout is not. 89a - Raktorak Vardek does it because he is that crazy. 90 - Your armor has been severely reinforced. This is still not an excuse to get shot at. 91 - Every Morat operative has been issued a Heavy Pistol. This is to improve our close-quarters battle, not to improve our 'drip'. 92 - I had to check what 'drip' means. Sigh. No appropriation of obscure human slang. 93 - Every operative also had their Biotechnical Shielding improved. This is not an excuse to start drinking contests. 93a - Although we will allow drinking contests during downtime. 93b - You were the one who challenged the Superior Warrior Officer to a drinking contest. Your loss is entirely your fault. 94 - Mercenary Kendrat does in fact use combat drugs, as do other Krakots. She will not share them with you. 94a - Neither will the other Krakots for that matter. 95 - Zabuk enslavers are equipped with chains and adhesive weapons to capture live prisoners. They are not ‘Dominatrixes’ 96 - Morat fireteams are a cohesive fighting party composed of many different units. Complaining you can’t join them is a moot point when you’re riding a goddamn Raizot. 97 - Mocking the Rodoks for not being able to join Morat fireteams is highly discouraged. 97a - But go ahead and do it anyways, they could use some toughening. 98- Calling the Bultrak the ‘Baby walker TAG’ is disrespectful. 99 - Daitoks are infowar specialists whose function is fighting and killing enemy hackers. They’re not ‘The IT guys’ 99a - Neither are the Kurgat, for that matter. 100 - Officer Anyat is well-regarded for her ability to provide smoke cover to any fireteam in the force. This does not mean she supplies the best weed. I'll think about stuff to add in here as time goes on
